01. The Greatest Tragedy

I thought of the most successful person that I know and that is Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi. She is a spiritual leader who has traveled the globe for over forty years giving wisdom, love, and supreme hugs. Her book “Ultimate Success” by Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi and Swami Ramakrishnananda Puri detailed how Amma, starting from a small fishing village decided to turn her life to alleviating the suffering of others and as a result has founded many hospitals, schools, and disaster relief projects all while teaching people about the abundance of spiritual wealth.

I met Amma at one of her retreats. I was introduced to her through a friend Neal, Dianne, and Jeff Warren. I was thirsty for spiritual knowledge and compassion and the opportunity manifested; to Neal, Dianne, and Jeff thank you. The most powerful thing I saw when I met Amma was the level of love she showed for others was exactly equal, no judgement, no favorites, for days and hours and years. The music was also the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life. I wanted to meet Amma to hopefully break my mind with something that could just let me believe in myself and God; and she granted me an experience that did just the thing. Though I don’t always meditate every day, I keep Amma and that experience with my thoughts every day.

I started writing this album when I decided that I was going to live positively and that everything is good. Firstly because I realized I couldn’t have a good life if I thought everything was bad. Secondly because I was tired of my own negative thinking and music. Lastly because I had to accept that my true self and gift is a musician is the only thing I’d feel successful at. I’ve “succeeded” in school, sports, sometimes business, but it felt so empty and my soul withers when I don’t play music. I believe metal music is the field that allows for maximum expression and is a culture that I’ve always loved.

I started to think that its selfish of me to not share my music with other people if it has helped me so much and brought me many serendipitous things together while getting me through some interesting life transitions. As I continued to meditate I kept reflecting on how the only thing that has gotten better in my life is in music. My musical friends got better, my musical skills got better, my musical teaching business got better, my musical listening influences broadened, whereas other area like family, girlfriends, 9-5 jobs kept getting worse. The success I was getting in these areas didn’t feel as good as success in music. The scary part about meditating is that the more I woke up the more the life I had built while “asleep” deteriorated.

As a self reflective exercise I would write down what it is that I wanted. It could have been things like a million album sales, a new guitar and studio setup, a better girlfriend and I asked myself “Why?”. As I kept asking myself why at every step it came down to the feelings I wanted was to be free to express myself to the extreme. Before I learned how to scream I never felt I could express myself fully in music. Part of this maximum expression is that negativity usually holds me back from doing positive things, where as when I’m positive I go full out and free.

I believe my talents are in music, healing, philosophy, self reflection, coaching and teaching. Currently I believe that my music will continue to inspire people to use their natural talents to bring wealth to themselves and the world. I aim to unblock myself through identifying problems within and creating music transmutes pain into deeper knowledge and compassion. I try to put my pain to good use and this album helped me immensely to develop a practice that helps me and others in a different and fun way. I believe that I am in a band with the Ultimate Creator. I trust that I can help others to unblock the shame, fear, anger, self doubt within so they can use their natural talents to heal the world too.